“We accept the love we think we deserve” is one of the hardest-hitting lines Paul Rudd ever delivered. Thirteen years later, this simple but powerful piece of cinema still resonates with so many of us, especially as we develop a deeper understanding of the law of attraction and the role our thoughts play in the outcome.
Historically, we’ve been drawn to this statement because we were deeply emo in the early 2000s and 2010s, and romanticizing pain was in. Today, we’ve moved past wanting to feel pain—we want to process it. And in my experience, this is a necessary first step for attracting the love we all actually deserve.
The source of the situationship
I’ve always considered myself decently confident and secure, but my history with dating would beg to differ. I’ve never lasted long in relationships because I’ve always had a hard time getting close to someone, and while I never considered that a reflection of my self-worth, I’m beginning to realize it was—because why was I so afraid of vulnerability?
I was accepting the love I thought I deserved: a.k.a. low maintenance, distant, barely-there situationships that I could pretty much take or leave. I’d tell myself it was what I wanted: something easy that I didn’t have to think about, because at the end of the day, I knew how to care for myself, and I didn’t need anyone’s help. Okay, hyper-independence!!! It’s scary to be vulnerable, but being open to love doesn’t make you any less capable of giving it to yourself, too—it just provides the space for it to multiply.
Before I met my sweetamazingperfecteverythingtome husband, I was starting to wake up to this pattern I’d created for myself: start talking to someone, find a minuscule reason to dip out ASAP. While this was often painful and made me question my value for days or weeks until I bounced back and put myself out there again, I eventually stopped getting hurt and started looking at things through a non-emotional lens: I felt ready to admit that I wanted something serious, so why was I preventing myself from finding it? And what did “serious” even mean?
What is the quantum field?
This was also around the time I started learning a lot about the quantum field, where all possibilities exist. The quantum field is essentially the energy that underlies everything in our universe. It's like a giant invisible web or ocean where all possibilities exist at once.
Imagine it as a space filled with potential—like a vast, empty canvas where every possibility, every outcome, every version of yourself, already exists. Our thoughts, emotions, and actions are constantly interacting with this field, and what we focus on—a.k.a., what we believe we deserve—directly influences which possibilities come into our reality.
So, when we talk about accepting love and what we think we deserve, we’re also tuning into the frequency of those possibilities. If we think we only deserve surface-level relationships, that's the energy we attract. But when we shift our mindset to believe we deserve deeper, more meaningful love, we can call that into our experience by aligning our thoughts, feelings, and actions with that possibility.
I was telling the field, “I’m so independent that I don’t need anyone to put in effort or care for me. I can care for myself, and also everyone else around me.” And that’s exactly why I was attracting people who weren’t capable of filling my cup.
Here’s how I shifted that mindset.
Sometimes, life knows we’re ready for change before we know it ourselves. My world came crashing down at the end of 2021, when I lost my father. I was in a fog for months, and it was easy to question the point of…well, everything. But I knew I had to stay strong because it’s what he would have wanted for me. I just didn’t really know how.
Thankfully, life always provides if you let it. Series of events led me to learn more about meditation, which in turn helped me think deeper about my dad’s hypnotherapy business and all of the lessons he spent years trying to teach me about my own innate strength. I started trusting and letting go more than ever—a practice that feels unnatural to most of us, but is actually the basest human instinct we’ve all been programmed to forget.
I started listening to my spirit, the voice inside me, and the voice I like to think of as my father’s. This led me to make some natural adjustments in my life: more of a focus on family and community, and finally accepting my strong desire to be vulnerable. And that led me to meet my husband—my soul family who I’ve been waiting to connect with.
What does it mean to find love when you’ve stopped looking?
When I met Shaun, I felt like I was looking at a heavily-tattooed version of myself. We both had dealt with darkness and were on similar journeys to enlightenment. We talked about meditation, music, and praying. I recognized a depth to him I wanted to explore. One day, he told me I was the kindest person he’d ever met, and I realized that was all I’d ever wanted—to be recognized for kindness and to find a safe space where I could let that side of myself flourish.
Life with him has taught me that relationships are mirrors, and maybe I always struggled to commit to one because I was afraid of what I’d find in my own reflection. I met him at a time where I’d finally faced myself, and was ready to move forward together. We’ve helped each other heal and become even more aligned with ourselves, and it’s the most incredible thing I’ve ever experienced.
When you stop actively searching for whatever you’re searching for, you’re telling the universe that you trust it to bring you exactly what you need. Ironically, when you stop seeking, the love you deserve actually often comes naturally—not as something you have to chase but something that aligns with the energy you’ve been cultivating within yourself. You’ve stopped needing it. You’ve stopped trying to make it happen. That’s when all of the love finds you.
You’ve made it this far—if this resonated with you, you might as well subscribe to my newsletter :) I’ll see you there.
Comments