Creative Lovin’

I love writing about Shaun.

I’ve been doing it for almost two years, and through this act—which is as natural as taking a breath—I’ve finally discovered the power of having a muse. Writing about our connection has helped me move closer to my center as a writer. From noir and surrealism to gothic and transgressive fiction, I can always get down with exploring the darkest limits of human emotion, but the stories I find myself most often returning to—and wanting to emulate myself—are always centered in what I know makes the world keep spinning amidst the unavoidable muck: love. 

And when I say “love,” I’m not talking about the magical, imaginative, often unattainable concepts of fleeting romance. Nope—I’m drawn to stories that bleed, that bravely illustrate the blurred lines of real-life love. 

Real love can’t fit into a box. It’s complicated, malleable, messy, breathtaking. Until now, I’ve admired it from the pages of my favorite novels, using these stories as frameworks to imagine what my own heart might feel like if I were ever lucky enough to experience even a moment of it. Now, I have, and finally, I can write my own. 

Photo Credit: Teresa Renee Rogers Photography

My recovery journey has been all about getting back in touch with what feels like me, and lately, I’ve been on a mission to tap more into that from a writing perspective. I’ve been writing in other people’s voices for years, and while I love supporting brands and publications that I believe in, I don’t want to abandon my own voice in the process. Meeting Shaun has cracked my heart wide open, and it’s our love, founded in creative collaboration, that inspires me daily. 

In honor of our almost-one-year anniversary in marriage, here are a few snapshots of my favorite shared moments.

Morning 

I used to wake up abruptly and anxiously. I’d rip myself out of sleep and dreams and into reality: emails awaiting my response, meetings on the near horizon, a hangry cat demanding to be fed. A satisfaction in the life I’d curated for myself, but a pebble of longing for something deeper yet simpler buried somewhere in my heart. 

It’s almost embarrassing, how we’ve complicated this life. But whittle it down, and I promise you our bodies still powerfully cry out for breath and sustenance; to love and be loved, and no amount of Zoom meetings can do away with this simple craving. That’s what these past two years have taught me.

This morning, I woke up in a toasty bed warmed by four bodies, although two are usually already awake and hangry as ever. But now I have someone to kiss and laugh with before I get up and appease the furry domestic terrorists. 

The start of my day hasn’t changed much. Quiet morning yoga, emails and meetings, breakfast and tea. Still, something about knowing he’s warm in bed and closer to consciousness with each minute puts me at a type of peace I didn’t know was possible. 

He’s a firecracker once he’s up, a shot of espresso in human form. We head to his gym most mornings; he’s the only person who kicks my ass harder than I do for myself. It was the first piece of him I fell in love with. 

In almost two years, I haven’t started a single day without saying and hearing the words, “I love you.” I’m spoiled rotten with affection, and I can never get enough. It makes me wonder how I went with so little of it for so long. This isn’t to say “poor me”—rather, how in the world did I get so lucky?

Photo Credit: Teresa Renee Rogers Photography

Afternoon 

Every afternoon looks different. We both work long hours, but we’re blessed with the privilege of flexibility, so we get to steal some moments together throughout the day. This is when we check into our haven: maybe a 20-minute nap that carries the comfort of freshly baked bread, a cozy afternoon latte or a quick walk to the store. 

It’s the least notable minutes that mean the most to me. Running a successful life requires a lot of maintenance, and it isn’t always fun. I’ve experienced so many blurry moments on my own: grocery trips, laundry sessions, or cardio walks that were 100 percent necessary but not really worth remembering. But everything with him is a date. Everything is worth paying attention to.

Photo Credit: Shaun The Man Anderson

Evening 

It’s what we look forward to most: when the day’s obligations have been fulfilled and we can return to the haven. We like to go out with friends or family and enjoy the company of loved ones, but do you have any idea what it feels like to ultimately be most excited to go home and be with the one you love most?

Sometimes he plays music for me. We dance and sing and laugh, and everything he cooks turns to gold. I can finally admit that he’s happiest when he’s serving me; it’s scary to embrace such vulnerability or accept such a high level of love and respect from someone, but I’ve decided I need to. I guess I never could have imagined such a beautiful love for myself; I never even knew what it could look like. 

Photo Credit: Mom!

Out of everything I’ve experienced in life…this is it, man. I’m far, far beyond happy—I’m at peace. And I know now that’s what our hearts are endlessly searching for: a place to call home so we can take a rest. 

Thank you, my husband, for bringing me closer to myself. Your love has lifted me so high. It’s an altitude I’ve had to adjust to in the best way possible. And I absolutely love it up here with you.

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